Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Near Death Experience

People: There IS a reason Jamie and Adam tell you at the beginning of every episode of Mythbusters "Don't try this at home". Seriously.

This morning, I decided it would be a great idea to-- Personal Trainer, if you are reading this, stop now. Just, stop-- make a grilled cheese sandwich with --for real, D, don't read anymore-- real butter. Don't judge me, I've got PMS and it's been like months since I've even had a grilled cheese sandwich. This might have been the first grilled cheese sandwich I've eaten this entire year. It's a rare and delightful treat for me. It may also be the last I make at home for a very, very long time due to the most traumatic experience I had while making it.

Last time I was at the store, I figured if I had to buy butter I may as well buy the good stuff. I mean, how good can that fake junk with all the fortified omega whatever stuff be for you? What do they fortify it WITH anyway, huh? Does anybody really know? Isn't it better to have all natural real stuff, and use it sparingly? So, I got the fancy Irish butter all the way from the Emerald Isle itself. I'm pretty sure it's the same stuff the Leprechauns use on their grilled cheese sandwiches.

Let me tell you, I made this butter last for like a month. It's expensive, seeing as how it's imported from Ireland. It was on the last dregs, and I needed to get it soft, because as everyone who has made a grilled cheese sandwich the right way knows--you can't do it with cold butter because it makes the bread all flaky and crumbly and ruins the sandwich completely. I was hungry, so I couldn't just let it sit for awhile and soften at room temperature. I figured, hey, I'll just throw it in the microwave for five seconds. That should do it!

Only, this being fancy Leprechaun butter, it was wrapped in fancy paper. Shiny, fancy paper. Know what makes the paper shiny? I'll give you three guesses...

So, this genius right here decided it wouldn't be a big deal to throw shiny butter paper in the microwave for five seconds. They did it on Mythbusters and nobody died. Besides, the microwave didn't even blow up. It just got all sparky and lightningy. It looked SO cool! But that wasn't going to even happen, because I wasn't putting in REAL aluminum foil, or even a spoon like Jamie and Adam did. Ohh, no, no, no, no... I was just putting in some shiny Leprechaun paper, and ONLY for five seconds.

Um, yeah. I guess those sneaky little Leprechauns really know how to make shiny paper incredibly flammable. Not only did a spectacular lightning show erupt inside my microwave after only THREE seconds, but the paper also caught ON FIRE. Oh, yes.

After I put out the fire in my microwave, I sent out my application to MENSA. I know they will want me in their Smart People Club. I will tell them this story and we will laugh about it over glasses of Port Wine and our big fat Cuban cigars. Then we will discuss all the non-geniuses out there who are too afraid to perform mad scientist experiments with microwaves and Leprechaun paper.

I did end up finishing my grilled cheese sandwich. Fire softens butter quite well, actually. But, I was so shaken from my near death experience--death by microwave lightning-- that I burned the bread. It wasn't too bad after I scraped the charcoal off. I am now completely afraid to go near the kitchen right now. My hands are still shaking. I will definitely not be using the microwave any time soon. Maybe now is a good time to bring out that Slow Cooker Recipe book I got for Christmas....

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